By 2023 has been the best and worst, clearest and messiest, most straightforward and convoluted year of my life.
I came out as a trans woman and finally felt like I belonged in my own body. I got engaged. I lost two jobs and got a new one. I made friends and lost them. I fell in love and got my heart broken. I travelled up and down the east coast a few times. I felt so lost in some parts of my life and had life-changing epiphanies in others.
I felt the happiest I’ve ever felt, and the saddest too. I felt more euphoria this year than I ever have before, but I also felt the emptiest I have since I was a teenager. I tried to kill myself twice, on January 1 and November 27. I didn’t plan for the possibility that I would survive that second attempt, and I’m still kind of picking up the pieces from that… It still feels kind of weird (surreal almost?) to be alive right now. But I’m getting better. I’m trying to, at least – one day at a time, etc.
As you can probably tell by the lack of recent content here (and the lack of features I’ve had published over the last few months, if you keep up with me outside this blog), I’ve kind of fallen out of love with writing. It’s not the first time it’s happened, and it almost certainly won’t be the last – but I know that love is simmering in me somewhere and I’m excited to rekindle it… Just after I get my shit together in general a bit more.
Ten years after I first started daydreaming about putting on my own music festival, this year I did it. And people came! It even sold out! And everyone (seems to have) had a killer time – the ABC even wrote an article about it! So the whole “putting shows on” thing is something I’m definitely keen to keep doing in the future.
I also want to start properly writing the graphic novel I’ve been fucking around with the outline to for a couple years now… And start the podcast(s) I’ve been daydreaming about for roughly the same amount of time… And finally learn how to play my guitar… And get back into music production with my controllers… And write more poetry… And get fitter…
But y’know, one day at a time, etc.
TLDR: This year was so indescribably important for my personal development. But godfuckingdamn am I ready to be done with it.
See y’all in 2024, I guess 🤙
All the love in the world,
Ellie 💖
